..but before that, remind me once more why do i love and cherish you too much..

because with you, you'ld hold me close, kiss my forehead tell me everything is going to be alright and i know it will be
because with you, you know that truth hurts and you will try to save everything that could go wrong
because with you, you protect me from the undenying hurt
because with you, you'ld come clean with me at the end of the day
because with you, i'll always want to be with you
because with you, i know how it's like to be loved, finally.

and
because without you, next to me, i feel incomplete

i love you, muhammad 'idil redzhar, because you're my world and this is ours, our world.

now, i rest writings ;
goodbye lj.

..one-twelve pm, and i have to keep reminding myself to get over to sembawang by five because i`ll forget.
so tired, like that.
fell asleep in your arms, you said i slept so soundly, did you know i was haunted by the ghosts of her while i slept, i felt the tears on my cheeks and woke up to wipe just so you wouldn`t know that i had cried.
so tired, like that.
my stomach's rumbling and i foresee eating fastfood alone today, just like any other day on that two chair-ed table while i watch other happy groups laughing away and busy myself with food and my cellphone.
i feel lonely now, but the grasses feels so good, i needed time to clear this mind and yet i wish you'ld wake up.
today, without you, feels strange.
don`t you feel it too?

so remember last night, remember what i told you. stick that to your head like a glue and stop asking questions that would inevitably make me cry or angry.

dear me, this must be the crimson lady talking. hello moodswings.

..the bench at the gym corner as the witness to the lies and the tantrum i threw, i bet you were pretty scared of the incredible hulk i morphed into but it was the lies that hurts so save your speech till i`ve learnt to believe.

still, we caught jangan tegur, a first i screamed in a theatre, could have broken your arms if you let, you covered my eyes, felt the tears and pulled me close i couldn`t decide what to feel back then. couldn`t decide if it was the coldness of the airconditioning that left me numb or the ordeal we just went through a few minutes ago.

i told you i wanted to get lingerie. of all the things. but i just needed to get something to put my mind off.

we fight, we kiss, we make up. i asked if you could send me home because i was afraid of the scary movie we sat through together. i flicked my tongue in the bus to annoy you. you tickled me. i laughed.

we spent some time together. i went home, took a bath, sat and cried in the showers.

i met you today, i kept quiet you grew restless. i didn`t know how to face you because i felt numb.
we parted, you didn`t even kiss me goodbye. you didn`t plant a kiss on my forehead. i texted you. fell asleep on the bus, plugged in to A7X and blasted the song in my ear. warmness on the soul, i would always think of you, hello synyster you played well.

some random thoughts, i havent been working on my book, your texts have left unwritten on the inbox, my days are blank pages, i should not have procrastinated.

i felt vibrations of the cellphone, it beeped, your text came in. i didn`t reply. i couldn`t think of a reply. i tried to sleep back, but i couldn`t.
i got off the bus, you called.
your voice was soft, you said 'im sorry' i melted and said it`s alright.
we spoke, i explained, you explained. we understood each other. i still felt numb but it felt good not to have to pretend like i`m alright.

but right now, im tired, yet..
i love you, i miss you. perhaps not the same way as yesterday, but nevertheless, never the less.

..meeting you has always been good,
i`m sorry for the mess i was in, for staining your cheeks with my mascara.

this is hard, yet i`ll deal because i love you.
thank you, for standing by me,
for understanding me,
for making me understand,
for saying the right things at the right times,
for not scolding me when i asked, 'cause it`s heavy on my mind every single day,
for just holding me close, for making me feel safe and secure in your arms..

for holding me, telling me your plans for our future and for a fleeting second, i smiled at the thoughts
thank you, for telling me that everything is going to be alright,
because i trust you, your words and i know you`ll make it right 'cause you`ve never failed me..

i love you, just so much love..

..we have always wanted to have our very own picnic but it kept cancelling for many many reasons sooooooooo finally we had ours! cooked a simple meal to bring for him, our mat and he brought his guitar, found a nice shade under a coconut tree and he played a number of his stringed instrument and sang while i nestled myself next to him and watched the fingers do its magic.

and we had always, or rather he had wanted to swim together, and for a split second we had the crazy idea, very crazy infact, and decided the weather`s too hot.
so into the sea we dived, with our pants and shirts because we didn`t really plan on it and i had the most fantabulous time being a monkey (as boyfriend claims) because i can`t swim! and he tried teaching though sadly to say, its a failed thing.
he apparently loved disappearing under the water and resurfacing, only to have me on his shoulders while i screamed and he dumped me into the water -.-
and we spent a good couple of hours in the water, sitting near the shore in the water and enjoyed the calming waves crashing against us as we propped back and watched the sky turn orange.

and then dragged our heavy clothes to the toilet for a very futile attempt to dry ourselves.

so love, can i have more of this, and of you? (:

..i`m not going to cry tonight.

..sometimes i get mad when people blow off at me, when i am not even anywhere near fault.
tsk.

i am as lazy as anything and i do not even want to update here, so hiatus here i come.
i`ll be gone and back, when i`m ready.

..and i still feel the jingles and the tingles whenever you call me love, and i still grin to myself silly whenever i think of how we met each other , because i swear we have a good fairytale for our grandkids, and i still fall in love with you all over whenever i think of you. and it`s been five days since we last meet so yayyyyy for tomorrow and i wna sleep in your arms again under the sky and watch the stars and hear your heartbeat as the waves crash around us, because i love you 'idil redzhar (:

so here`s why they say,  meet the wrong people before meeting the right one, just so you know what is love and appreciation(:

teaching has been great, that li`l kid has been ohso spontaneous and it gives me satisfaction now he could hold a conversation in malay with me (bangga ahhhhhhhhh!)
and so i`ve bagged a job offer as an Arts teacher in the east (HAHAHA) and the pay is as good as hell, but. it`s in the east and i don`t do early mornings well, so we`ll see.

volunteering at Darul Ma'wa is the greatest thing ever and i wished i had done it earlier because the adorable kids melt my heart though at times, i think me and beanies had had it with the boys.

and school is starting soon, and love is gonna pick pick pick me up so yippee!

and girlfriends, please make it on the first of may pretty pretty please (:

..knackered up lately.

still, more of boyf please
and dates with beanies and girlfriends SOON!

..you know that no matter what, my love remains and i know yours too..
i`ll sing you this song because you know it`s true ;

Your hazel green tint eyes watching every move I make.
And that feeling of doubt, it's erased.
I'll never feel alone again with you by my side.
You're the one, and in you I confide.
And we have gone through good and bad times.
But your unconditional love was always on my mind.
You've been there from the start for me.
And your loves always been true as can be.
I give my heart to you.
I give my heart, cause nothing can compare in this world to you.

because love, i`m giving my whole heart to you, because it`s you i lean on through the bad and the good times and never has our love wavered, you make me feel whole and complete.

..we spoke shortly, as i accompanied your steps home. as you reached, we parted and said goodbyes. i fell asleep for a short time, and when i awoke, i found my cheeks wet, i guess i fell asleep crying. even my sleep is haunted with her. this isn`t cool.
sighhh.

because i fucking dont want to live and i fucking gave up on fucking love and i wished that fucking car accident would have just taken me. and im sorry if this is fucking emoshit.

..you almost let me go.
how could you?

this isn`t easy for me, and it`s these times, that i need you.
i wanted to be alone, because i can`t spent the days of waking up with her on my mind, crying myself whenever i`m alone.
i can`t.

but you told me to go.
you didn`t know how else to convince me.

bottom line was,
you told me to go.
you let me go.

how could you?

last night was amazing, and i`m sorry i let this spoil the moment.
it`s not like i want this so much, i`m powerless to stop.
and i`m dealing, i`m learning to deal.
i need time.
and i still need you around.

..darul ma`wa was good, the kids were as adorable as before and i missed them so so much this two weeks of absence.
"asal last week kakak tak datang? besok kakak datang kayyyy??"

ahhh, sumpah adorable and i`m falling in love with them and of course, finally had the time to meet beanies and we headed over to airport soon after to chill and train-ed back home and i think the train rocked with our giggles and laughter HAHA
"eh kau rase idil marah kalau aku cakap aku feel bloody single?"
"abeh!!"
"ok set aku msg dier!"

HEH, i know, carik pasal tak tentu pasal but his reply was the sweetest (go puke beanies) and sighhhh i miss him :(
so tmr i`ll get dose of him, tuesday with the girlfriends and more of beanies next sunday wee!

so please beanies, remember perpodakan baju yang nakal dan mengemaskan okkaaaayy!
i cant remember though hehhhhhhhhhh.

..cars screeched. headlights blazed. cars honked.
dad, you should have been more careful.

so this is where, my life flashed before me, came to view.

..so now now, tell me, how could i not fall in love with you all over and over and over and over again?
because your girl here, was having monday blues, so bad even the beautiful day seemed pale in comparison, and you, miles away despite the inconvenience and the short time, took the trouble to travel all the way to just be next to your girl here, and surprise her endless, took that bus ride to tuition together before your girl here decides to just be with you the whole time instead (since she was pretty darn late too heeh).
words failed as i tried to text, an expression of gratitude. you`re always there, at the right place and the right time, everytime i needed you the most, you never fail to be next to me.

yesterday was everything pretty when you`re next to me(:
and i love you, more than yesterday, but definitely lesser than tomorrow.

love,
that girl you secretly looked at(:

..the sun`s shining brightly, i hear birds chirping. i had haunting thoughts through the whole of yesterday, and even when love was next to me. it wasn`t fair, this is supposed to be our day so why did these thoughts come then? i kept it hidden, but he could finally force it out of me, and i felt better then, after talking to him about it. i rested my eyes close to six in the morning. i thought i could wake up to another beautiful day, sent love a text and waited for his reply. i need you pretty much today, i don`t even know why is all this resurfacing, but it is and i`m not enjoying it one bit. i need you to hold me right now, with your bear hugs and i know everything`s gna be okay then. but, that`s not possible.

i don`t feel like tuition-ing today. i don`t feel like anything. all i want to do is to lay down on a carpet of grass in an empty openfield. and cry.